Dumpster Dumping

Just when you think you have seen it all the homeless man leaves a nice present for you behind the big green multipurpose recycling dumpster.  when I say multi purpose i mean MULTI-PURPOSE.  My coworker and I were on our clean up day when i noticed a man out of the corner of my eye walk behind the big green dumpster and not appear out the other side for some time.  i really didn't think much of it other than he could be dumpster diving or something to haul off to the recycling center itself.  My coworker came up to me an hour later and told me otherwise.  i followed him to the back of the neon green dumpster where he pointed to a heap of smoldering sheet bigger than any dog could have excreted.  as i vomited inside my mouth and punched my coworker at the same time i realized what had transpired.  we watched in discuss and true sorrow from that day on the same man come and go and leave a present behind our dumpster like clockwork for the next couple of weeks. 

 i guess you have to at least admire him for trying to conceal his duties, same line of thinking i suppose as the family dog who will leave a nice present at the back door for ya.  the dog thinking :"if i could get outside i know that's where I'm supposed to go, however your work schedule forced me to leave this nice present for you when you got home."the dog thinks again,

"at least i made an effort to get as close to outside as i could."

  and for the homeless in our community not taking advantage of the gas stations fine bathroom facilities because like any good patron they would feel obligated to buy something.  Having no funds to purchase at least a pack of gum so he figures the great neon steel curtain awaits me. its a trash can for gods sake  big enough to conceal me on the other side-- a DUMPSTER!. "i can really climb in it and take a big one, but if i leave one on the wall or base of the dumpster i indeed did my best".

 
we scratched our heads...IDEA! luckily for the man that keeps on leaving us gifts we are in the medical supplies business!  i have a whole warehouse of bed side commodes.. i happen to also have an extra free standing toilet paper dispenser in one of our bathrooms..perfect..before we left that night we positioned the bed side commode behind the dumpster with a fresh roll of toilet paper right next to it and a newspaper for reading material for good measure.  the next day when my coworker and i arrived we looked and chuckled at each other.  "I bet you a six pack he filled the bed side commode up!" and i bet you a six pack it scared him off!
 
We were both wrong!

the free standing toilet paper holder with toilet paper, the reading material, and the bed side commode were nowhere in site.  GONE.. he took it all, where we do not know.. but are happy to know he has a place to go when nature calls and we don't have to be careful not to step on any unwarranted presents behind our dumpster anymore.

Glow Sticks and Turkey

It just gets better with time. the stories, the drama, the full circle of four generations, and a family that is to sit together, reflect, and be thankful for the fact that we all haven't killed each other yet.


This year was going to be different .. as i spied my wife grabbing the cyanide with a big grin on her face, i knew i had to intervene. as she stepped back into the house after the third time we had already locked the doors i decided to foil her plans and replaced the cyanide with a few hits of Ecstasy.. she locked the front door for the fourth time, with a scrabble board in one hand a bottle of red in the other. ... i love her style.. scrabble and red wine.. competitive edge was on and the family at her mercy..




By the time the family truckster was loaded and the dogs had been locked up in the back for 20 minutes and the stench was no less than the chicken inferno fest besides the farmers market.. yes a beautiful farmers market with fresh veggies, Japanese maples, flowers galore, and the damn chicken slaughter house right next door.. one beautiful dream with the all the bad karma next door.. don't know what is worse seeing the chicken trucks drive in with caged foul hanging out of their cages with their swollen sphincters staring right at ya, or the viscous smell that obscures the airwaves 3 or 4 times a day..if you never have been blessed enough to indulge in such a smell you haven't lived..well I'm digressing.. the smell festering in the back of the van was rivaling such a thing..




I hit the pwr windows and nothing..notta.. turned the key...notta.. the frieking car battery had died because a family of frieking four kept opening and closing the doors, charging phones, ipods, and gps sytems.. god for bid we go three miles to grandmas without the gps or the frieking ipod! whats gonna happen between here and three minutes!? on a sunny 65 degree sunshine south kakalaki day? I have no earthly idea, but we were prepared.. two stinky varmints, a few bottles of rotgut, champagne, vodka, bloody mary mix, two growlers, Frisbee, boccie set, apples to apples, Yahtzee, football, and enough changes of clothes to last a month.."We were just going for the day!" so, all this baggage and the car is now DEAD!,, normally no big deal but we left our other vehicle @ my mother in laws the night before because we had finally had a date night and if we were going out we sure as hell weren't driving home. two months of drinking in one night always calls for a taxi.



So, which neighbors do I bother? my 95 year old neighbor who would be more than happy to jump our car even though it but may take to Christmas to find his keys and drive his car over..i take cover every time i see him behind the wheel.. don't know if its weekend @ Bernie's driving or if he is really alive at the wheel..our other option is the house adjacent to us with the neighbor i only know as Roberto..lived here for six years and that's all he has ever muttered to me.. hear his drums occasionally but every time i try to mosey towards his yard when he is out he disappears quickly locks the doors and pulls the shades.. all our other neighbors have bible study every day of the week.




I'm going with the 95 year old..




Did i mention I'm a vegetarian?.. insult to injury..going to my favorite slaughtering of the year..it is fun to watch everyone slip into a food coma after the MSG hormone invested bird is devoured in record time..i stay alert and witness the dropping of flies. only the icing on the cake,, i enjoy the drama because being from the Midwest.. home of Ward and June Cleaver where there was never drama,, just smiles and people sneaking off to smoke rope occasionally..that's what keeps everyone going in the Midwest.. a lot of rope and Leave it to Beaver episodes.. the biggest fights that ever broke out were the ones about sports.. who loved Bobbie knight the most or who hated Gene Keady more.. those were the days..





So anyway great great great grandpa neighbor man makes it over and we jump start the van in relatively amazing timing.. the battery gods were smiling upon us and the key turned with a sputter and purr..victory..dont turn the car off i thought to myself..keep it running even when i get to dinner.. just to keep the getaway car warm and ready after my wife knocks everyone off.. oh yea, i replaced her poison with rave pills..





not quite sure when it all happened .. we arrived, everyone ate a big bird dead bird, i ate every salad imaginable.. three bean salad, pasta salad, tofu salad, spinach salad, and tabouli.. i was green and full up .. at least full for a half hour or so..... everyone else had their eyes bulged out and bloodied..and then i noticed their eyes! huge eyes and a bit dilated i noticed..big grins..no words.. just a grin of a food coma stymied by a mind altering substance....as my wife wife was waiting for the relatives to keel over i witnessed Aunt Froo Froo break out her vinyl Beatles albums and Uncle Pete find some glow sticks in his emergency vehicle kit..the lights dimmed as everyone broke into a sweet rendition of Mother Mary then a blistering full throttle Helter Skelter.with the cracking of emergency glow sticks and road flares. the kids ran out of the house scared to death..don't know when my wife had slipped it to them.. but it was now obvious she really had..wow, glad she went to lock the front door earlier at our house for the 4Th time..

cant wait till next years slaughter...

black friday

SUCKERS!!!!!

phase #3

Lucy

Dante

twisted

Cologne Bandits



the company i had been working with for the last ten years was not only a causality of the war on terror, but was in a sketchy part of town. we had the occasional panhandlers, the guys sleeping on our back door step, and the weekly prostitutes strutting by our showroom window. However, we were never broken into, threatened, or even scared of the neighbors that that we communed with. so i thought moving to another sketchy part of town with another company would be the same old daily oddities. Boy was i dead wrong!

we have been broken into three times in the last month. the first time they kicked our window to our office in and took my two computers.. they left the monitors mind you, just took the hard drives.. no alarm sounded because someone had forgot to set it.. oh well, been set ever since and still has not deterred the bastards. they attempted to hot wire the work van as well..no such luck but they got my delivery drivers cologne! yes, they took his cologne, a power drill, and a GPS system.. funny the first time ... but three times later it is getting a bit boring.

the second time they broke into our phone box and clipped our phone lines because they new we had not forgotten to set the alarm, peeked through the window and noticed the alarm was still activated... so what did they do? tried to hot wire the friekin van again! no luck, just messed up the steering column, mashed up the key entry senseless and took my delivery drivers cologne! what could be so special about this cologne anyway??,,, is it the lost chanel #7 or some rare charlie bottle from the 80's.. hell i don't know, never been a cologne guy.. only wore it in high school once just because i had been doing beer bongs all night. i stuck to the old spice.. who wears cologne anyway.?. oh yea, the idiots that have tried to steal my van three freaking times! the second attempt was kinda funny cause all they got was the cologne and scared off because the alarm was actually set this time!

ok, the third attempted grand larceny... the cologne bandits strike again.!. this time they mangled the steering mechanism of the van again after forcing our locks out of the doors to get in. they had 0 luck again, but they got another bottle of cologne! at this point i am really starting to wonder more about my delivery guy with the endless bottles of cologne than the idiots that are swiping it from him.. good god, these must be some stinky scoundrels to go through 3 bottles of cologne over a one month period.. yes three robberies in one month.. makes you want to camp out on your roof and wait for the stu's to come back and just snipe them out of their misery.

this time i guess they were so frustrated they couldn't figure out how to hot wire the van for the THIRD time, or so high on cologne fumes that they decided to kick the window of our building in again... alarm sounded, police came, and bandits gone with the cologne.. end of story.. police said best thing to do was to "put bars on our windows and park our van somewhere else".. wow.. brilliant..

i think i am just going to start leaving a bottle of cologne at my front door step once a month with a note that reads "please take our cologne, we have nothing else, and if you haven't figured out how to hot wire our van after the third time you really probably don't have enough brains to figure out how to drive the damn thing anyway.."

Dantes Inferno "the lost chapter"

I didn't realize that watching the last episode of "Pawn Stars" about Dante's Inferno, by Gustave Dore, with my seven and nine year old boys was a true epiphany of the six gruelling hours of an hour and a half movie of "Eclipse". yes, I thought I had entered Dante's version of hell on a ladder called "A Never Ending Teenage Tease Fest." the movie could have been summed up in five minutes if they would have cut out all the foreplay. With all those parts cut it would have just been a fight between a couple of wolves and some really pale white guys! then they could have named it "Extreme Pale Man vs White Fang".
Thank god for the sushi bar next door where I knocked down a nice bottle of unfiltered chilled Saki.. ahhhhh the high lite, the sushi, 22oz Sapporo, the Saki. it made six hours of mind numbing memories of high school "without fangs" bearable. someone even brought a three year old into the movie who cried incessantly throughout. i wanted to cry as well. the only smart one in the whole damn theatre was the three year old trying to escape from the utter boredom. Poor child is probably warped for life. will sleep with their parents till they are 16, and will dress in black the rest of their miserable mortal existence.
OK, so the vampire fans out there are saying I'm shallow, a bit old, irrelevant, just don't get it. I'm good with that. to each their own, next time i am sticking to my Saki going home, watching Pawn Stars with the kids and remembering Dante really does have a place for everyone, even it they are immortal..

Truck Stop Heaven

So whose job is it to refill the condom machine at the truck stop? what is that show?, "worlds dirtiest jobs or deadliest jobs?" i don't know but the condom guy has to have both and live on the ultimate edge. every truck stop i seem to stop at always has that fort knox titanium condom box hung right in front of the jon. You have have no choice but to read whats in it or whose name and number is etched into the metal. I mean having your number for a good time on the bathroom stall wall is one thing but you know you have really hit rock bottom when your name appears on a titanium condom machine! anyway you cant help to read the sales pitch in front of your nose.


there are usually up to four different categories: edible, glow in the dark, bikini style, and around the world goodie bag. all three choices crack me up so much i can barely do the job at task when standing in front of one these coin pinchers.





#1 Edible?


who besides your dog is going to eat a condom anyway? how can a condom be appealing as a meal, snack, or dessert for that matter? i think i will skip my next meal now. they cant sell many of those and if they do they probably only have to fill that spot back up once a year if ever.


and who decides the flavor and whose job is it to be the condom taste tester anyway. oh, i thought the guy that refilled the things had it bad. i can see someone answering the classified ads now: "taste tester for savory treats apply today and get a free box of trojans." and the pay? i don't want to speculate but that might explain the hidden R&D costs of the products at hand. they have strawberry, banana, and chocolate. i can maybe see the strawberry and banana flavors being a hit for some psycho, but chocolate? i mean where does the chocolate thing stop? chocolate milk, chocolate covered almonds, chocolate covered pretzels, but chocolate covered peckers just freak me out a bit.





#2 Glow in the dark


i love this option the best. who in Sam's hell is going to make their family jewels glow in the dark? why do you need your member to glow anyways? its not as if it can be detached from your body. "honey, have you seen my pecker anywhere?" i swear i left it in the closet somewhere, or by the dining room table, where the hell did i leave that thing?,,, OH, here it is! we left if my the nightstand! good thing we had a glow in the dark condom!" NO NO NO it is attached to you for a reason--so you wont loose it in dark places! am i missing something with this purchase? i mean a glowing body part during intimacy is a bit disturbing.





#3 bikini


i am a man, why would i buy anything called a bikini to put around the most masculine thing of my body? why not just have a category for dresses, ties, hats, or sweater vests to wrap around your unit? i can see a whole new section in target or walmart now... next to men's fashions "pecker wear" i think that might not go over well, especially here in south kakalaki, maybe we could do a test market in Miami or Vegas.. anyway i am not dressing it up for the party.





#4 around the world goodie bag


the around the world goodie bag definitely intrigues me a bit. "party favors from around the world" Just what countries partake in this smorgasbord of a goodie bag, and who voted that country in for their mix on the intimate props? From the first three categories i would be scared to pay my 75cents in fear i would get a sample of all three of the the other choices.





Back to the question before us. whose job is it anyway to sell these machines, install them, and refill them? i can see the lucky soul traveling all around the country in their retrofitted oscar meyer car with boxes of refills. if they got stranded in the mountains across country at least they would have plenty of things to entertain themselves with and they wouldn't starve either! i can hear their sales pitch now: everyone who enters the men's room has a pecker, right? sold! who cant agree with that, and its cash. 75cents a pop and you keep 25 every time some poor curious patron decides to get slapped by his wife.


they should really have a separate machine next to the condom machine that sells latex gloves, so that when you slide your quarters into the crusty metal box you can be assured that you will be well protected before you are well protected... another job created for another day.. so next time your at the truck stop, get a good laugh while you are forced to read the wall in front of you.