It just gets better with time. the stories, the drama, the full circle of four generations, and a family that is to sit together, reflect, and be thankful for the fact that we all haven't killed each other yet.
This year was going to be different .. as i spied my wife grabbing the cyanide with a big grin on her face, i knew i had to intervene. as she stepped back into the house after the third time we had already locked the doors i decided to foil her plans and replaced the cyanide with a few hits of Ecstasy.. she locked the front door for the fourth time, with a scrabble board in one hand a bottle of red in the other. ... i love her style.. scrabble and red wine.. competitive edge was on and the family at her mercy..
By the time the family truckster was loaded and the dogs had been locked up in the back for 20 minutes and the stench was no less than the chicken inferno fest besides the farmers market.. yes a beautiful farmers market with fresh veggies, Japanese maples, flowers galore, and the damn chicken slaughter house right next door.. one beautiful dream with the all the bad karma next door.. don't know what is worse seeing the chicken trucks drive in with caged foul hanging out of their cages with their swollen sphincters staring right at ya, or the viscous smell that obscures the airwaves 3 or 4 times a day..if you never have been blessed enough to indulge in such a smell you haven't lived..well I'm digressing.. the smell festering in the back of the van was rivaling such a thing..
I hit the pwr windows and nothing..notta.. turned the key...notta.. the frieking car battery had died because a family of frieking four kept opening and closing the doors, charging phones, ipods, and gps sytems.. god for bid we go three miles to grandmas without the gps or the frieking ipod! whats gonna happen between here and three minutes!? on a sunny 65 degree sunshine south kakalaki day? I have no earthly idea, but we were prepared.. two stinky varmints, a few bottles of rotgut, champagne, vodka, bloody mary mix, two growlers, Frisbee, boccie set, apples to apples, Yahtzee, football, and enough changes of clothes to last a month.."We were just going for the day!" so, all this baggage and the car is now DEAD!,, normally no big deal but we left our other vehicle @ my mother in laws the night before because we had finally had a date night and if we were going out we sure as hell weren't driving home. two months of drinking in one night always calls for a taxi.
So, which neighbors do I bother? my 95 year old neighbor who would be more than happy to jump our car even though it but may take to Christmas to find his keys and drive his car over..i take cover every time i see him behind the wheel.. don't know if its weekend @ Bernie's driving or if he is really alive at the wheel..our other option is the house adjacent to us with the neighbor i only know as Roberto..lived here for six years and that's all he has ever muttered to me.. hear his drums occasionally but every time i try to mosey towards his yard when he is out he disappears quickly locks the doors and pulls the shades.. all our other neighbors have bible study every day of the week.
I'm going with the 95 year old..
Did i mention I'm a vegetarian?.. insult to injury..going to my favorite slaughtering of the year..it is fun to watch everyone slip into a food coma after the MSG hormone invested bird is devoured in record time..i stay alert and witness the dropping of flies. only the icing on the cake,, i enjoy the drama because being from the Midwest.. home of Ward and June Cleaver where there was never drama,, just smiles and people sneaking off to smoke rope occasionally..that's what keeps everyone going in the Midwest.. a lot of rope and Leave it to Beaver episodes.. the biggest fights that ever broke out were the ones about sports.. who loved Bobbie knight the most or who hated Gene Keady more.. those were the days..
So anyway great great great grandpa neighbor man makes it over and we jump start the van in relatively amazing timing.. the battery gods were smiling upon us and the key turned with a sputter and purr..victory..dont turn the car off i thought to myself..keep it running even when i get to dinner.. just to keep the getaway car warm and ready after my wife knocks everyone off.. oh yea, i replaced her poison with rave pills..
not quite sure when it all happened .. we arrived, everyone ate a big bird dead bird, i ate every salad imaginable.. three bean salad, pasta salad, tofu salad, spinach salad, and tabouli.. i was green and full up .. at least full for a half hour or so..... everyone else had their eyes bulged out and bloodied..and then i noticed their eyes! huge eyes and a bit dilated i noticed..big grins..no words.. just a grin of a food coma stymied by a mind altering substance....as my wife wife was waiting for the relatives to keel over i witnessed Aunt Froo Froo break out her vinyl Beatles albums and Uncle Pete find some glow sticks in his emergency vehicle kit..the lights dimmed as everyone broke into a sweet rendition of Mother Mary then a blistering full throttle Helter Skelter.with the cracking of emergency glow sticks and road flares. the kids ran out of the house scared to death..don't know when my wife had slipped it to them.. but it was now obvious she really had..wow, glad she went to lock the front door earlier at our house for the 4Th time..
cant wait till next years slaughter...
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
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